Just a little bit of Rosy Retrospection

Ever thought back on a situation that happened to you sometime in your past, and find that you have come to appreciate the experience, when in reality, the event was far from the sunshine-y blossom filled moment your mind seems to recreate?

Yeah, there is a Psychological term for that, and it's called Rosy Retrospection.

Rosy Retrospection refers to the finding that subjects later rate past events more positively than they had actually rated them when the event occurred.

It happens to the best of us, and I find that it's been happening to me more and more lately. I appreciate my experiences... I damn well cherish them, but there are certain experiences I need to remember for what they were; bad ones that I need to learn from. My mind's eye needs to take off it's rose-colored glasses and visualize the harsh realities of the past. 


He did not respect me.
He did not treat me like I deserved to be treated.
He was controlling, manipulative and a cheat.
I deserve better.


While he may be a great friend, as he was before we started dating, he can't be more, and will never be more again. We've both moved on, let's keep it that way.


Note to self: No more reminiscing, but if you absolutely must, don't forget the bad times.

The truth that is totally fucking brutal, ya heard.

One of my favorite advice columns on Tumblr is called "Dear Coke Talk". The woman who writes on this blog is by far the most brutally honest person I know, and I don't even know her personally. Or at all for that matter, since her true identity is never revealed on her blog. There are many posts that I can relate to and agree with, but there is one in particular that screams "CHRYSTAL ASHANA THIS LADY IS TALKING ABOUT YOU!!" ...yeah. Just like that.

The post is entitled "On The Brutal Fucking Truth"

"I’m a black girl who has gone to predominately white private schools for my entire life. (According to my friends at least) I’m pretty, I’m one of the smartest girls in my class and I’m funny. I don’t understand why any white guys don’t seem to give me the time of day. I hate to think it’s because of my race, but it’s all I can come up with. Others say it’s because I don’t look like an easy lay and that’s all that guys are looking for. What do you think?

It’s because you’re black."

And though she might have been trolling with that answer, I can't help but relate with the person that posed the question. This has been my dilemma for as long as I have been attracted to white guys, and that is pretty much from the time I stopped thinking boys were icky. It's not to say that I have an aversion to dating within my own race, or any race, for that matter, it's just what I'm attracted to. 

Let's just say that my success rate thus far has been fleeting when it comes to picking up white boys. I have asked some of my white friends (which happen to be the vast majority of my friends) about this and I get the same responses each time, and the one that irks me the most is "White guys are intimated by black girls."

First of all, there is nothing about me that is intimidating, so I call bullshit. But I can't help but feel like there is some truth to that statement. Some white guys probably are intimidated by black girls and/or they simply just aren't interested in black girls at all...


So then... where does that leave me? I guess I'll just have to wait and see if one day my very own white prince charming will be brave enough to approach me.... Oh god, I couldn't even keep myself from laughing out loud as I typed that last line. White Prince Charming, my ass. 


Anyway, if there are any white single men out there, who are interested in dating a beautiful, non intimidating, Trinidadian girl, you know what to do. ;)


Funny how I assume that there are people actually reading my blog right? I do this for my own amusement, I swears it. 


P.S. No but really, leave a comment if you're interested. ;)


P.P.S TOTALLY KIDDING GUYS!


P.P.S. Maybe........

Pain, pain, go away...

You know that dull, throbbing pain that doesn't seem to want to go away, even though you've cried and cried, and then cried some more in hopes of washing that pain away? Yeah... me too.

I don't have very many friends, up til recently, I could count the amount of "good" friends I had on one hand, and I cherished each and every one of those friendships. I stick my neck out for my friends, I love to see them happy because their happiness makes me happy... And when I lose one of those friends? It's devastating. Because I don't treat my friends like mere acquaintances, so losing a friend, a very good friend, causes me more heartache than I'd like to admit.

I entered this week excited about my best friend being home from the Navy for a few days, and  I end it, 2 days before Christmas, not having a best friend anymore.

I swear my heart just broke typing that...

Things change... people change... you'd think I'd be used to dealing with change by now? I know that I've changed, I for sure that she's changed, and we've both started heading down completely different paths in life that make it hard to relate to each other. But I never thought it would end like this. I never thought it would end, period.

She was my person.

I wish that I was better prepared for this, because my emotions are getting the best of me at the worst possible times. I feel like I've been hit by a freight train, full force, at maximum speed.

But how do you prepare for something you never saw coming? 

Losing Faith

Recently, I came to the realization how important the idea of love was to me. I have always felt strongly about it, saying those cliché words such as “love is all you need” or, “love can overcome anything”… but I didn’t realize how much I clung to the hope of love until I was faced with the possibility of it not being real. These days it’s so easy to lose faith in love, what with everyone throwing it away as easily as they throw away leftovers. Hearts are broken everyday due to being betrayed by the one you love; by the one who supposedly loved you as well. One in two marriages end in divorce. One in two! So, if I were to find the supposed love of my life, and get married to him, there is only a 50 percent chance that we will make it, death do us part. I’ve always been an optimist, but the reality of this statistic is entirely too depressing. Is it true then, that we as human beings are not meant to be monogamous? Is the idea of being faithful and loyal to someone truly a thing of the past? If so then what’s the point of searching for that person to spend the rest of your life with if they’re only going to end up breaking your heart or vice versa. Is there even such a thing as a “love of your life”? Because, if there is, what if we’ve already found that person and let them go? Oh, you say there will be others? Then by that logic, there is more than one “love of your life”? Then shouldn’t it be “Loves of your life”?

This is too confusing. Maybe it’s easier to believe that love doesn’t exist. Maybe this is how Atheists feel. Believing in God is so farfetched, that they just fall back on not believing at all. (Don’t quote me on this; I’m just purging my thoughts as type). But in all reality, it would be easier to not be in love, just as it’s easier to not believe in God. If you don’t believe in God, you don’t feel guilt when you do something that, to a Christian or anyone of any other faith, would view as a sin. Just as if you don’t believe in love, you lose the risk of being hurt because you won’t worry about if the person you’re seeing is going to break your heart or not. Because only someone who believes in a God can commit a sin, and only someone who believes in love can have their heartbroken.

While these thoughts may or may not be true, it doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on either of these things because I find it easier to do so. I’m giving up on them because I have relied on them for the greater part of my life, and I can’t find any reason to continue doing so; as soon as hope comes along, it is shattered in the blink of an eye and I’m tired of being let down by humanity. But because I’m losing my faith in both of these things doesn’t mean that I’m going to start to preach to others that they don’t exist either. Because coming from a state of mind where I thought that they did, I was much happier then than I feel in this moment, and I wouldn’t want to invite anyone into this dark place with me. Having a belief in God and in love at least gives you and something to look forward to.


This is a turning point for me, and it’s not exactly a direction into which I ever thought I’d venture. I’ve always believed in God, though I’ve never been a religious person. I’ve also devotedly believed in love, even more so than I did God. But now I’m so skeptical about both these things that I’m not sure where this leaves me. I do hope that someone or something comes around that can change my mind. I don’t know how to be an Athiest, nor do I particularly want to be. I don’t want to not believe in love, whatever you call those people… lost, maybe? Because that’s what I feel; lost. I’ve lost my way somehow and I need to find my way back, because wherever this is, it’s not where I want to spend the rest of my life.

I finally let go.

I do this thing where I lie to myself, and others around me, because I hope that one day I would be able to convince my emotions just as easily as I was able to convince my brain and my friends.

Only problem is that I'm not exactly a good liar, nor was my lie anywhere near as convincing as I had hoped.

See, I told myself that I was over James, that I let him go and that I was moving on. What a load of horse shit that was. In reality, what I was really doing was telling myself, and him, that I had moved on, while still holding on to hope that he'd see this as his last chance and jump at the opportunity to get me back. I KNOW! How unbelievably pathetic am I, right?

And because I had lied to myself, I hadn't completely grasped the mentality that James and I were JUST friends. So simple things the he would do would anger me, subsequently confusing the shit out of him. Simple things like not doing our usual before bedtime call to talk about our day, or calling so late that he only has time to say that he's about to go to bed because he doesn't want to stay up much later. I'd get mad at him, and then I'd get even more mad at myself because JAMES AND I ARE NOT TOGETHER. I KNOW! Insanely pathetic.

Problem is, I didn't see that as pathetic until the following phone conversation occured a few days ago.

Me: Wow James, you are so queer.
James: And how am I queer?
Me: You totally just pulled a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
James: Shut up, I am not gay.
Me: Sure you aren't.
James: Krissy, if that were the case, you wouldn't still be in love with me right now and you wouldn't get with me in a heartbeat if I asked you out.
Me: ...That kind of stung.
James: What... wait, how?
Me: That you know for a fact that I'd get with you in a heartbeat (despite me telling him I was moving on) and you still don't want to be with me in return.
James: Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound like that.

He had no intention of hurting me with his statement, but it made me realize how pathetic I had been, holding on to someone who obviously doesn't even look my way when he thinks about relationship prospects. HE KNOWS that I love him, HE KNOWS that I'd get with him ina  heartbeat. And none of this information makes a difference to him. So then, I thought more about it and I realized that as much as I love James, I'm really only holding on to him because he's someone that I'm used to. He's someone that I don't have to impress by being witty or flirtatious because he knows the real me and he enjoys me just as I am, no fluff necessary.

And the idea of going out there, trying to find someone new kind of scares me. I don't know the first thing about flirting, and my personality, while it's awesome, is something that you have to grow to love, because at first I can be quiet and the more I get to know a person, the more I open up. I'm just not sure how to approach someone without seeming like a bumbling idiot. But all this is besides the point. I was scared.

I can't just hold on to the past because it's easy. I need to move on, I need to let him go. I told him about this the other night, and for the first time I wasn't lying to myself or him. I was completely honest when I said that I'm ready to move on, and I am. I'm not hoping that he turns around and tells me that he loves me and that he wants to be with me, and quite frankly, if he does, It'll be too late.

It'll be too late... because I finally let go.

I'm proud of myself.

It may be too early to say that, but I am.

After reading previous blogs you might come to the decision that I lack motivation. I lack motivation when it comes to studying. I lack motivation when it comes to doing anything that's remotely hard. I lack motivation to work out. I lack motivation, and therefore I procrastinate.

The point is, I lack motivation. But I had an epiphany the other day... okay, I wouldn't call it a epiphany. More like a minor eye opener. Whatever it was, it motivated me to make a change. And before you say it. No, this is not just a temporary spike of motivation. This is long lasting. Or at least it has been for about 2 weeks now. Which is the longest I've gone being motivated for something that causes me to break a sweat. Besides sex. I'd break a sweat for sex any day... but that's besides the point.

I have FINALLY found the motivation I needed to work out. FINALLY. I've been working out off and on for a while now, but I've finally found a schedule I can stick to, and a eating habit that's working for me. Well... I haven't exactly perfected the eating yet, but I'm not consuming as much calories. I'm watching what I eat. The only problem is that I'm not eating in three hour increments. But I'll get to that eventually. Baby steps.

I'm losing weight. It's a slow process, but a steady one. And I feel the change in myself already. I don't feel so tired anymore, I'm slowly beginning to get back in shape. And I'm not sure if I'm just seeing this, or if it's really happening, but I think I can see results in my body already. (Although the change on the scale hasn't been that significant.) I'm trying not to be obsessed with the numbers on the scale but it's hard not to when they're actually decreasing, albeit a bit slowly. I'm charting my progress weekly so that I can keep up with the changes.

And it's all I can talk about! Working out and eating healthy. I think I'm beginning to annoy some of my friends... and my family. Hell, I'm beginning to annoy myself a bit as well. But I can't help it, I'm excited!

Anyway, so see! I'm motivated. I know that's just one thing; I still suck at studying... and I am definitely a compulsive procrastinator. But, eh.. like I said: Baby steps.

With love,
Krissy

P.S. I forgot to mention! I applied for a job. At Staples. Do I think they're going to hire me? Nope. I lack experience, never having had a job before. But it's a start right?

P.P.S. I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!

I don't feel comfortable.

It just doesn't feel right. Nothing does anymore. I don't know when this started or how, but that's how I feel at this very moment. Whether it be that I don't feel comfortable in my own body, in the school that I'm going to, with my friends, in public, in my home, in my room. I just don't feel secure.

I'm constantly second guessing myself, constantly worrying about how I'm being perceived by others, and in my head, the outlook isn't very good. I've never had a very high self-esteem to begin with, but it's been enough to the point where I've been satisfied with myself and the life that I live. But for some reason lately I feel insecure and vulnerable.

It's obvious that I don't like feeling like this. And that I need to do something pronto in order to change the way I feel. But that's the problem. I don't know where to start. There are so many things I want to do but I don't exactly have the means to do it. I also feel like my problems are insignificant to the things that other people are going through right now so I should just buck up and deal with it. But it's changing me. It's making me a sad and bitter person. I don't like being sad and bitter. I want to be cheerful, I want to be optimistic. Where did my optimism go? That zeal for life that I had just a few months ago... where did that go?

I need to take control of my life. I need to do something that makes me happy, something that would bring back my joy of waking up to a new day of possibilities. Because lately when I wake up it's to a feeling of... "Oh... it's just another day... just like any other."

I need to make some changes.

I need to clean my room. I want to rearrange it and get rid of a load of things that I don't need. I have so many insignificant things in my room that I keep just because I feel like I'm going to need them one day. But really it's just clutter. Insignificant clutter that is bogging down my room's decor (or lack thereof), thus bogging down my life.

I need to go to the gym more often. I need to set a schedule, and not rely on having someone to go with me. I can go to the gym on my own. I can get a good work out without the company. I need to stop saying "Eh, I don't feel like going today, I'll go tomorrow." Because chances are, tomorrow I'll say the same exact thing and before I know it, it's been weeks since I've gone to the gym. Also, no more junk food. The temptation is a bitch but I'm going to have to tell myself that it's for the best and deal.

I need to be outgoing. Not in the sense that I don't like going out and doing things; I love new experiences. I just need to open myself up to meeting new people. I need to atleast make a new friend in every one of my classes that I'm taking this semester. That's a bit ambitious for me, but I'm going to give it a try.

I need to find a job and start making a steady income. I'm tired of relying on my parents and financial aid checks or what have you. I need to make my own money and take responsibility for my own expenses.

This is just a start. The room and the gym are relatively simple things that I can work myself up to doing. The "more outgoing" and finding a job bit is the part that's going to be a bit of a challenge. But I think that's my problem. I haven't been challenging myself enough. I've just been living life day by day with nothing to do but wait for plans with friends to come up and go to class, and that definitely needs to change.

I need to change. My life needs a change. And I'm going to make those changes.

Starting now.